LISTENING PART 1

1. LISTENING TRANSFORMS I believe nearly every person/client that you and I come in contact with is asking a question: Do I matter to you? Do I matter to others? Do I have any worth in your estimation? Do you in any way honor, esteem, or respect, who I am? Do you care? As we begin this time together I would like to ask you some questions for self reflection: Do people feel better or worse after they’ve been with you? Do they feel worse, diminished, unappreciated? Or, do they feel better, inspired, valued, respected? Are you a good listener? Would people around you say you are a good listener? Do people feel like you’re fully present with them whenever they’re with you? Or is there anybody in your world, who might just be whispering under their breath, “Would you please stop talking?” “Would you please stop advising?” “Stop rambling.” “Would you just stop and listen.” The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them. — Ralph Nichols We all have a deep desire to feel heard and to know others care enough to listen. One of the things I learned early on is that coaching is 80% listening and 20% talking. To be a good coach one has to be a good listener. Listening is one of the most powerful skills a coach can bring to the coaching relationship. And, listening is one of the most powerful forms of acknowledgement. In short, listening TRANSFORMS. 

  2. LISTENING AND MEANING (International Listening Association Statistics) In a spoken conversation, 55% of the meaning is translated non-verbally, 38% is indicated by the tone of voice, while only 7% is conveyed by the words used (Mehrabian, 1981). Spoken words only account for 30 -35% of the meaning. The rest is transmitted through nonverbal communication that only can be detected through visual and auditory listening (Birdwhistell, 1970). What is it that most of us listen for: 

 1. For what we already know 

2. For what we agree with 

3. For what we disagree with 

4. To await for our turn to speak 

5. To interrupt 

6. To look or sound good 

7. For the answer 

8. For the formula 

9. For the flaw in the argument 

 Problem is…we do not listen authentically. 

  3. LISTENING BARRIERS The most frequently reported listening barriers among people are: 

      1) Personal disinterest in the topic, 

      2) Personal and internal distractions, such as hunger, headache, or preoccupation with something else. 

      3) Inattentiveness such as daydreaming. 

  4. PURPOSE OF AUTHENTIC LISTENING The purpose of authentic listening is to understand the thoughts, opinions, ideas and feelings of others by focusing on their agenda rather than one’s own. Authentic listening is a skill that requires practice and concentration. Authentic listening occurs when you respond to the speaker in ways which indicate to him that you care about what he's saying and give him every opportunity to complete his train of thought. Authentic and empathic listening is wrapped in the same cloak. The idea is to let the speaker know without a doubt that you are focusing your attention on his words and feelings with the specific intent to understand his point. We all have a deep desire to feel heard and to know others care enough to listen. Listening not only helps you understand someone, it also helps that person understand themselves. 

• They get a chance to talk “out loud”, work it through. 

• But also you can pick up on, and highlight patterns they are repeating that he or she is not hearing themselves.

 

• In short, listening TRANSFORMS. Wouldn’t you agree with me that listening goes way beyond just hearing the words that another person says? It’s seeing what’s in their eyes. It’s feeling what’s in their heart. It’s reading between the lines. It’s listening in the moments of silence. Listening Part II will be in the next installment of Coach Roland’s Blog post.