Listening Part 2

I told you things to consider about good listening in "Listening Part 1" so here are four more items to consider about being a good listener and how it can play into providing better service for your client/customer.

Illustration: Did you ever have an experience where someone was trying to persuade you rather than just listen to you? What did that do for you?
Persuading comes from a place of judgment, and individuals need to train and shift themselves from persuading to learning. The listener has to shift to a learning stance. Or better yet a stance of curiosity.

How curious are you about your client? What do you think of when you hear the word curious? Curious meaning: You are partnering in that quest of understanding and learning with and about your client/customer.

Now, the most obvious benefit of listening is learning about the other person.
And listening involves asking questions and acknowledgement of the other.
In communications training, you will hear about active listening and you will learn about what you should do to be a good listener. And what you hear is relatively quite common and similar – ask questions, paraphrase back, acknowledge, be present, be attentive, if you re face to face you look at them eye to eye – all good advice.

You emerge from these training sessions, eager to try out your skills, only to become discouraged or confused when someone says you sound phony or mechanical.
“Don’t use that active listening on me” they might say…often hear this after couples go to couples seminar – and they teach on active listening.

The problem is this: you are taught what to say, how to sit, posture, what to do – but the heart of good listening is authenticity. People are “reading” not only your words and posture etc… But they are asking themselves what is going on inside of you. If your “stance” is not genuine, the words will not matter. What will be communicated is whether you are genuinely curious, whether you genuinely care about the other person.

If your intentions are false, no amount of careful wording or good posture will help.
If your intentions are good, even clumsy language will not hinder the communications process.

Listening is only powerful and effective when it is authentic. Authenticity means that you are listening because you are curious and because you care, not just because you are supposed to. The issue then is this: are you curious?
There is only one sure fire way to understand your client/customer and that is by being curious.

Being curious begins with “I wonder…” Instead of asking yourself… “How can they think that”? ask yourself “I wonder what information they have that I don’t”?
It might be asking “I wonder how might I see the world as such that their view makes sense”? Certainty locks us out of understanding, curiosity lets us in.


5. LISTENING AND QUESTIONING TECHNIQUES

Difference between Conventional questioning and Curious questioning.

• Conventional Questioning – provides a source for information
How much exercise do you need each week?
What is an advanced coach

• Curious Questioning – provides a source of self exploration.
What would “being fit” mean to you? What you need to be able to call yourself an effective listener?

6. LISTENING AND SAFTEY

Quote - “Truth comes as safe as the environment is to accept it” agree/disagree?

What can we do to create an environment that is safe enough for others to be truthful? Make it safe not to answer.

Sometimes even the mist skillful question can provoke defensiveness.

You can ask a question out of genuine caring toward the other person and a genuine desire to learn, and they may react by shutting down.

You can respond by saying, you are there to help and continue to press for an answer, but that may lead them to feel you are trying to control them – and you will get further resistance.
It is best to make your curious questioning an invitation rather than a demand.

The difference is that an invitation can be declined without penalty.

This offers a greater sense of safety and, especially if the client declines to respond….and your reaction makes that okay, it build trust between you.

Giving the client a choice to respond increases the chances that he or she will respond honestly.

Even if they do not know they answer now, they may later, after they think about it.

Knowing it is their choice underscores your caring intent and frees them to think about the question.

7. LISTENING AND EMPATHY

The deepest form of understanding and learning about your client is empathy.

Empathy involves a shift from my observing how a client seems on the outside, to imagining what it feels like for them on the inside.

As an empathetic listener, you are on a journey with a direction without necessarily a destination.

You will not “arrive”. You may not be able to fully say “I truly understand you”.

We are all to complex for that.

What psychologist have taught us is clients are more interested in just the act of knowing someone is seeking to empathize with them – that we as a coach are willing to struggle to understand how they feel and see how they see…means more than actually accomplishing it itself.

My challenge is to encourage you to enter into that fascinating struggle and complexity and/of communication of learning with your client.





8. LISTENING AUTHENTICALLY

There are specific strategies that are regularly employed in authentic listening. Do not underestimate the simplicity, the significance and the excellence of these techniques.

1. Close your mouth. Authentic listening and talking are mutually exclusive.

2. Don't predict or judge the outcome, or argue with the speaker mentally. Get out of your head and get into his or hers.

3. Watch your body language: does your posture indicate you're interested? Are you maintaining eye contact? Are you nodding when appropriate, smiling or otherwise physically communicating your attention to what he or she is saying?

4. Ask questions when you do not understand something or need clarification.

5. Put on his or her shoes. Put yourself in the other person's place mentally so that you can better relate to their point(s) of view.

6. Control your emotions. Better yet, leave them behind. Your worries, fears, problems and emotions prevent you from listening authentically.

7. Listen to what is not being said.

8. Listen to how something is said. Inflection, intonation and tone of the voice may tell you more about the person’s personality and values than mere words.

9. React to the ideas, not to him or her, specifically. Remember, you don't have to like someone to learn from them. But you cannot learn from them without listening to them authentically.

10. Be consistent. Practice these techniques in every communication. Ask the client if he or she felt that you "heard" what he or she was trying to communicate.

LISTENING PART 1

1. LISTENING TRANSFORMS I believe nearly every person/client that you and I come in contact with is asking a question: Do I matter to you? Do I matter to others? Do I have any worth in your estimation? Do you in any way honor, esteem, or respect, who I am? Do you care? As we begin this time together I would like to ask you some questions for self reflection: Do people feel better or worse after they’ve been with you? Do they feel worse, diminished, unappreciated? Or, do they feel better, inspired, valued, respected? Are you a good listener? Would people around you say you are a good listener? Do people feel like you’re fully present with them whenever they’re with you? Or is there anybody in your world, who might just be whispering under their breath, “Would you please stop talking?” “Would you please stop advising?” “Stop rambling.” “Would you just stop and listen.” The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them. — Ralph Nichols We all have a deep desire to feel heard and to know others care enough to listen. One of the things I learned early on is that coaching is 80% listening and 20% talking. To be a good coach one has to be a good listener. Listening is one of the most powerful skills a coach can bring to the coaching relationship. And, listening is one of the most powerful forms of acknowledgement. In short, listening TRANSFORMS. 

  2. LISTENING AND MEANING (International Listening Association Statistics) In a spoken conversation, 55% of the meaning is translated non-verbally, 38% is indicated by the tone of voice, while only 7% is conveyed by the words used (Mehrabian, 1981). Spoken words only account for 30 -35% of the meaning. The rest is transmitted through nonverbal communication that only can be detected through visual and auditory listening (Birdwhistell, 1970). What is it that most of us listen for: 

 1. For what we already know 

2. For what we agree with 

3. For what we disagree with 

4. To await for our turn to speak 

5. To interrupt 

6. To look or sound good 

7. For the answer 

8. For the formula 

9. For the flaw in the argument 

 Problem is…we do not listen authentically. 

  3. LISTENING BARRIERS The most frequently reported listening barriers among people are: 

      1) Personal disinterest in the topic, 

      2) Personal and internal distractions, such as hunger, headache, or preoccupation with something else. 

      3) Inattentiveness such as daydreaming. 

  4. PURPOSE OF AUTHENTIC LISTENING The purpose of authentic listening is to understand the thoughts, opinions, ideas and feelings of others by focusing on their agenda rather than one’s own. Authentic listening is a skill that requires practice and concentration. Authentic listening occurs when you respond to the speaker in ways which indicate to him that you care about what he's saying and give him every opportunity to complete his train of thought. Authentic and empathic listening is wrapped in the same cloak. The idea is to let the speaker know without a doubt that you are focusing your attention on his words and feelings with the specific intent to understand his point. We all have a deep desire to feel heard and to know others care enough to listen. Listening not only helps you understand someone, it also helps that person understand themselves. 

• They get a chance to talk “out loud”, work it through. 

• But also you can pick up on, and highlight patterns they are repeating that he or she is not hearing themselves.

 

• In short, listening TRANSFORMS. Wouldn’t you agree with me that listening goes way beyond just hearing the words that another person says? It’s seeing what’s in their eyes. It’s feeling what’s in their heart. It’s reading between the lines. It’s listening in the moments of silence. Listening Part II will be in the next installment of Coach Roland’s Blog post.

What Makes Great Leaders?

Had a recent thought about what makes great leaders. Usually great leaders are born during times of adversity. Many of the great generals and presidents of the past have been recognized in history for their leadership when they stepped up to a tremendous challenge. 

 Leaders of today can be great leaders in their organizations by practicing three things: 

 1. Be Visible - That doesn't mean you can create this Hollywood style video for your employees and customers and think your charisma will carry the day. Such media is useful for mass communications, but people still want the human face-to-face touch when times are difficult for them. Getting out into the workforce and customer locations is the most effective way to exhibit confidence and calm employees during stressful events. 

 2. Be Up Front with Everyone - Trying to mask the truth will only cause more anxiety and distrust in leaders. Telling it like-it-is is generally well received when people know you're being honest with them. 

 3. Always Give Them Hope - Knowing that there is a light at the end of a tunnel and that it's not a train coming will give employees and customers a sense that their efforts and trust in you are not futile. Hope keeps everyone moving forward.